Saturday, July 24, 2010

Monologues of a Manager

My budget planning starts with allocating funds for tissue boxes, stationary and if I am any lucky I can throw in a team lunch.

Ah! My large tissue box is needs a refill, after all I don’t want tears create flash-flood at my desk. Some time I wonder that I should retire and start a baby sitter services at-least babies are cute and only time they cry is when they need to refill their tummies or replace their loaded diapers.

Life in bureaucracy is, if you are not interested to solve problem … throw the rule book at problem. You can practically live happy life pointing problems at everyone around you, right from the janitor to the CEO. Studying the rule book well is the key to Work-Life Balance.

Another day of squeeze. I wonder what was the moron thinking while hiring this herd of cattle and now want me to be the butcher.

I wonder if salve trading runs in my blood. I have these dreams of me standing on a large piece of rock, whipping the laborers to my sadistic pleasure and for what … building a glorified burial grave for the king. I got it … the king wants to infuse the economy by planning his own death.

Sometime I get nightmares of my early life, I use to be skinny 60 kg no flab worker, when I use to do produce real things, spending long hours at work, skipping my lunch, sacrificing social life. Then I wake up startled with a sweaty face, I have to drown myself with two shots of whiskey before I can go back and dream about counting my possessions.

Next technology investment in my company, I plan to plant bugs at everyone’s desk, the lobby area, smoking area, water cooler, elevator, rest room … ok rest rooms might be a little over-zealous. I am sure this information gathering exercise would generate lots of "Business" intelligence.

Wow! look at the diversity targets going upwards and proportional increase in insurance coverage for any litigation.

Had been to a people management seminar conducted by a Tantric Baba, itching to implement his theory: Deny any sense of self control to individuals or create that illusion and it will make them follow you like superstitious zombies.

I feel like a superstar of my aisle, throw tantrum, demand attention , grab credit for everything and throw some Zen crap around. No paparazzi please.

THINK, OK now erase it, START … TURN … Do as told … STOP and do it again, Tired? Retire

OK I think my bull-crap is no more digestible at work, time to pad my resume and look for another employer.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Facebook , Kumbh Mela and Filumy

Selling a Facebook Reunion app came naturally to these brothers: Vijay and Ajay, after all Facebook did help them to reunite after 20 years of separation.

They had lost each other on a train ride to Allahabad for Kumbh mela along with their parents. Both brothers had prankfully hidden under the samosa-wallah’s stall on a platform. Just when the Samosa-wallah caught them for their mischief, the train left the railway station with their parents coughing and sleeping on a III tier unreserved coach and the children tearfully chasing train.

While chasing the train Ajay had fallen into a large suitecase of an uber rich lady and landed in Mumbai to live a life of luxury. Meanwhile Vijay was adopted by a devote muslim child-less couple, who were on their home from Ajmer, where they had offered prayers for a child. Vijay was brought up as an farmer in interior of rural India toiling his days. Surprisingly, both were let to keep the Devi Maa’s locket around their neck, as the adopting parents thought it was the lucky charm that brought them the god’s blessing.

Then it happened 1 year back while both chasing their love interest on Facebook, Ajay stumbled on Vijay’s page as they both were trying to woe Radha. They exchanged lots of F*** words on each other’s wall, before Vijay had a good look at the Devi Maa’s locket on one of Ajay’s shared picture.

The striking similarity between the 2 cent junket, flash-backed him to 80’s and he realized that Ajay is his long lost brother. When Vijay and Ajay confirmed that they both had an identical birth mark under their left arm Pit, it further confirmed their brotherhood.

They both now have developed Facebook and IPhone app that matches profile and scans for birth mark similarities on all pictures. It seems it is one of the top-sellers at an App store. BTW they are still searching for their parents and in their spare time they hunt for the villainous Samosa-wallah.

Meanwhile somewhere in a graveyard of Mumbai a story-teller moans relentlessly as his bread and butter story line has been killed by Facebook and the iPhone apps.